In 1999 I was seeing this guy who presented himself as an attractive package. He was handsome, intelligent, financially secure, and pushed a cute luxury sports car that we would take fun joyrides in. I never came out of pocket for anything with this guy unless I insisted. It was nice to not always have to go Dutch or hear the words, "I'm broke." We had fun! Always on the go. Needless to say, I was impressed and quite smitten with this dude but everything that glitters; ain’t gold. You see I was saved, a church girl. He didn’t know anything about church and didn’t really care to. I was also a virgin, saving myself for that “man of God” that would share the same faith and ideals as me! He didn’t understand all that either and this became a problem.
Men in the church were not asking me out! I'm sure many Christian women can relate. Plus, I had a type and was drawn to dudes with a street edge and I guess they were drawn to me. I didn’t look like a church girl but I knew God and his word. Hey, since nobody in church seemed interested and I was tired of being alone, I ignored the "Be ye not unequally yoked" scripture that we Christians love to quote, knowing there was and is truth to that command.
The relationship started to become stressful. I wanted him to conform and be on the same Christian page as me, he wanted me to conform and give him some TLC. Well, after pleading with him for almost a year to visit my church, he came once got saved and never came back again. I felt he did that just to please me. I honestly don’t know how sincere he was in giving his life to Christ but God is the judge of that. I constantly felt this pressure from him to have sex. Of course I was attracted to him and there was plenty of temptation, but this was an area I would not compromise. It was very important for me to keep my virginity. For one, I wanted to please God. Two, I was afraid of becoming pregnant. The relationship was not working out but neither of us wanted to let it go.
While struggling to hold on to this silly relationship, I had a very short but disturbing dream. In the dream I was having sexual intercourse with my father. Yes, my daddy!! Yuck right! It wasn’t until years later I realized the meaning of this dream. In the dream my “earthly father” symbolized “God my father.” The act of intercourse symbolized intimacy and closeness. I know this might sound crazy for those of you who are not dreamers, but the Lord was conveying in a symbolic way that he wanted a relationship with me. He wanted me to know him in an intimate way and he wanted to be my “First Love.” Remember, in real life I was a “virgin” and my earthly father has never touched me inappropriately before. This was a symbolic dream with a message from God. I knew God but not in the way He wanted me to know him. I wish I understood the meaning at that time because it would have made letting dude go, that much easier!
Throughout the relationship, I felt like the Lord wanted all of me, not part of me. I began reading my bible and praying more consistently. One Sunday, my Bishop preached about letting go of relationships we have no business being in, so that God can prepare you for the person HE wants to bring into your life. He said before that can happen you have to let go of the person you are holding onto. It felt like I was the only person in the sanctuary and he was speaking directly to me. I felt sad because I didn’t want to let this person go, even though I knew he was not the one for me. I felt afraid of being alone and never meeting the right guy. I was envious of my girlfriends who were getting married and having children. I was getting close to thirty years old and still didn’t have what I longed for- Prince Charming. Bishops sermon kept re-playing in my head and I said to myself, “I’m going to end it."
I think dude could sense the end was near. The day I was supposed to “end it” he took me to the mall and told me to pick out what I wanted. Are you kidding me!! Satan, get thee behind me! As difficult as it was, I refused the shopping spree but still didn’t end it, so the Lord did it for me. That evening we were at his house watching a movie. He was being touchy feely and I rejected his advances. I just want to watch the movie man!! Dag. He got upset because I wouldn’t give him any TLC as he put it. I was so sick and tired of hearing that stupid line. I jumped up, snatched my purse and stormed out of his house. The next day I called him and left a message. Still didn't end it. Don't judge me. Ladies, I was weak but God was strong! Lol! I was willing but God was able!! And He worked it out. Dude didn’t call me back and I never contacted him again. Just like that! It hurt a little, but honestly I was relieved and looking forward to knowing God in an intimate way, and I did. I obeyed God and he became my everything! A year later I met my husband who was sent by God. Forget the rinky dink package I thought was so attractive; my husband was presented as a colossal shipment!! Full of amazing qualities and character. Of course I had to open it up to find all that out. Lol!! I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams and we both love Jesus!
Can I challenge and encourage you? Only one person should have your heart completely and his name is Jesus Christ. Is God your First Love? Are you holding on to something or someone you know was not God sent? I know the feeling of loneliness and depression all too well. We will settle for almost anything to make those feelings disappear. The bible says, “Seek first the Kingdom of God and all other things will be added unto you.”
Make God your First Love, companion, provider, and best friend without compromise. The wait is worth not settling. Don't let "anything" get in the way of your relationship with God. I know sex is huge for many people, especially if you've already experienced it, but born again virgins are practicing celibacy everyday and you can too! You may get weak and fall a few times, it happens. God is not looking for perfection, just those who are really trying and have repentant hearts. Get to know Him intimately and obey his word. When the time is right, your blessing will overtake you, but it depends on you! Your relationship with your “First Love” has to be established so that nothing and no one will be able to move Him from his position.